November 6, 2001
Queen of Shit
"The purpose of a man is to love a woman, the purpose of a woman is to love a man..."
Slight alteration:
"The purpose of a man is to love a woman, the purpose of a woman is to manipulate a man..."
Sorry. Everytime I hear that song, during my eight hour oldies packed shift at work, that's what I think. Even though, if I were to go by my relationship, it is more likely that I am being manipulated.
Why can't I just not feel like crap for two days in a row? Just two. I mean, I can have about a good half of a day going for me but then I go and blow it with thinking. About everything.
I got two letters from Ryan. But instead of making me feel better I only felt worse. He talked about Christmas, and how now, apparently, he will be going with his family to Atlanta. Which will take up at least half, if not more, of his ten day leave. He asked me to come but Christ, I have family, too. I want to spend Christmas with them.
He also said in his letter that he will definitely have called me by the time I got it. Well, guess what, he didn't. It's rather impossible in my house where the caller ID has become a way to screen unfamiliar numbers. And where the phone is pretty much under the monopoly of my brother, like the rest of the house.
That or he didn't call.
And he tells me to hold on, that we'll be together again, but right now it seems so far from me. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason, that I am to learn something from all stages of my life.
And I have no idea what this means. Trust me, I'm the fucking Queen of Pining. I'm totally and absolutely conditioned for sadness and seperation. I didn't date until my senior year of high school, and it wasn't because I didn't want to. I thought I'd relented my throne.
But, apparently, Ryan placed me gently back upon it when he decided to join the Air Force.
Maybe not so gently.
He claims he can almost feel me in his arms in his dreams. Yeah, well, he's an asshole in mine.
astera at headstrong