February 1, 2002
I am a Psycho
I would say that I used to be normal. But I'd be lying.
I didn't get to sleep until two a.m. last night. I could blame it on the rain Milli Vanilli style, but I know that wasn't it despite the steady obnoxious downpour.
I couldn't get to sleep last night because I have convinced myself that my house is haunted. I won't go the bathroom at night without a flashlight to guide me down the hallway. And then when I return to my room, I hold the flashlight over my back shedding light behind me. I jump into bed and only after I have tucked in toes and pulled the blankets up around my head do I reach over and switch off the lava lamp, the christmas lights, and the o-so-trendy flower night light. Then I lay in bed, imagining away the sounds that are muffled outside of my door and pinch my eyes shut and try to sleep.
Last night I slept clutching a flash light, just in case I couldn't reach the night light fast enough.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Am I nineteen or four and a half? And I wasn't afraid of the dark when I was little. I wanted the hall light turned off and the curtains pulled and the door shut. It had to be completely pitch black and quiet for me to sleep, and I lost many precious hours to my brother's paranoias when we had to share a room and he insisted the opposite of everything that I did.
But now I am sitting wide-eyed in my bed at one-thirty in the morning wondering if I should just stay up all night and take a nap tomorrow, 'cause I'm almost fucking positive that those shadows in the corner are getting deeper.
This is ridiculous. I am never listening to Sylvia Brown again.
So not only did I terrify myself into the unconcious, I also had a delightful dream that Ryan came home and I walked in on him kissing another girl. And he showed no remorse, so I kicked his ass. I was pinching and slapping and punching him and he was fighting back, and then I told him that the worst thing about it was that he had proved my parents right.
Then I started screaming and crying, and then I woke up.
And felt like crap.
astera at 12:59 p.m.