August 4, 2002
Killing in the Name Of
I found myself quoting Tim O'Brien.
"What a dumb cooze."
About work. It sucks. Especially tonight when I saw him briefly when he was too busy to talk, and I slipped away, a ghost of myself for the rest of the evening. Especially when I realized for the thirtieth time how little respect my boss has for his employees, that we are but drones, but bits of limb and skin joined together, bodies serving only, in his eyes, to perpetuate the success of his business and assure him a fat Christmas bonus. Especially when I buckle under crippling kindness under a desire to be better than and worthy of.
"What a dumb cooze."
So I wander around the buffet, too tired for smiling, thinking in the abstract as usual.
What do I want out of life? To be a writer. To be in love.
"I'm both." I mutter as I wipe absently at a table.
I wish I had a car. I wish I had a license. I wish I had an apartment and a tangible dream and an understanding parent and a record player. I wish I could listen to Pink Floyd with my head in his lap on my bed in my room surrounded by my walls. A little flat I'd have, like Bridget Jones, only without so much alcohol and an equal share of whimsy.
"What a dumb cooze."
And I'm the dumb cooze. I'm such a simple girl. And yet so complicated that I can't figure myself out.
Sure. I know what I want. Sure. I have the means of getting it. Sure. I'm on the right path. Sure. I'm pleasing everyone and myself. Sure. Everything is alright. Sure. I've got ambition. Sure. I'm an artist. Sure. It's okay if you've got your clothes on. Sure. I've resolved my trust issues. Sure. What trust issues? Sure. Remember me? My hair is longer now. My skirts are shorter now. I'm all grown up. I'm sticking with it. I'm stuck.
I've got this little girl in the corner of my mind where the sun shines in. She won't talk to you, not with her thumb shoved in her mouth. Her book is open and she's reading and don't disturb her. She's reading. She's dreaming.
God, I'm in love and it fucking terrifies me.
astera at 12:31 a.m.