August 14, 2002
Just like a Woman
Listening to Dave Matthews and sweating to death. In a few moments I will retire to my parents' air conditioned quarters and cut up magazines in order to decorate my notebooks for school.
So. Much as I am reluctant to mention last night, I must, merely because I might laugh about it in six years. Certainly not now.
My Dad locked me out of the house. At first I thought maybe the lock was broken again, and I sat and frantically jiggled my key in the keyhole to no avail. I sat down on the porch, musing. I pounded desperately on the door, but no one heard me. A half-hour had passed before I grew senseless enough to tear the screen out of my window and crawl in via that portal.
I have every intention of replacing it.
So, once inside, I go around to the door and find that my Dad has jammed a screwdriver in near the lock so it would be impossible to unlock.
I was fucking livid. I had gotten home at a quarter to two. Is that so ridiculous?
I changed quickly into my pajamas and cleared my bed of the various oddities that had collected upon it. Five minutes pass before I hear stomping coming my direction.
What follows is roughly a half-hour of my father and I screaming at eachother. I am not sure tensions are entirely at ease today. I just know that I can't live like this. I can't be constantly threatened with being thrown out.
And I can't listen to them spout irrational fears at me concerning my future. I hate how they act like it is theirs. Sure, they raised me to be the way I am, to have aspirations and ambition. That doesn't mean that it's theirs. My dreams are my own, despite their roots. The both of them are so petrified that I'm not serious about school. Well, who the fuck is paying for it? Me. Would I voluntarily place myself in the way of thousands of dollars of debt if I were just going to drop out and marry Mike and have babies and live in suburbia?
That's not what I want. That's why I'm going to school.
They don't think I can have a serious boyfriend and be serious about my future. And it pisses me the fuck off. I try to tell my mother that there are facets to my personality, and they're trying to pretend as though there is only one. I want things for myself. And that includes having someone wonderful in my life. And just because I think I am in love with him does not make me any less in love with the idea of college. They are both important to me.
I'd regret giving up either one. I hope I never have to make that choice. I'm not going to make any vows. I can't. But, somehow, I think if I gave up school I would not be the person he cares about anyway. I would not be me.
And I can't give up me for anyone.
This is so hard. I want things and cannot have them, I have things and seek only to spurn them. Will I regret any of this later? Mom and Dad are starting to dislike him... is it my fault or theirs? He's not like Ryan. He's not.
But am I behaving the same way I was with him?
And was that bad behavior, or was he just bad to be with?
How can I fix myself and everyone else?
How can I keep my head on straight when everyone is seeking to knock me off balance?
I'm almost entirely packed for school. Things are going to change.
But what?
astera at 5:47 p.m.