July 29, 2003
A North Wind
Tonight I'm perched Indian style in my dad's computer chair, the glare of the monitor attracting every moth in the greater tri-state area, my stomach too full and my heart in suspended satisfation; wondering, will I ever be able to balance myself between head and heart, hunger and lust, curiosity and contentment?
I walked hesitantly within, the pulse of the music coming from his computer guiding my steps into each empty room, the barren basement staircase, the drafty garage. Then his voice, muffled by the cubicle shower he was crouched inside, and I was in the bathroom. The smell of the bleach water was overpowering, sullying the sweet, natural scent of his skin.
He had too much to do that couldn't be put off. He looked at his rubber cleaning gloves instead of my face.
Quick kisses, more a fluttering of lip upon lip, and I was storming upstairs, knowing my intentionally heavy footfalls were drowned out by the music.
A call to my father. A few minutes panting in anger, gripping the wheel of Spartacus as my knuckles turned a determined white.
I didn't go back inside to get my wallet. I went back inside to put some warmth in that next kiss, and to run my fingers through his hair. I smiled weakly and asked him to call me later, affirming that an outing between us could wait, yes, and it was alright.
And he did call. And he definitely wants to go out tomorrow.
Silly little-ness. What place have you in a love this big?
My dad and I watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding and while I enjoyed the movie immensely, I did not care for Ian, did not care overmuch for Toula. He said all the right things and she was struck dumb and numb when he did so. Not so much a man as a beefed up woman, not so much a woman as a puppet of watered down emotion. There was more personality in her narration.
But I liked the way they looked at eachother. I know what that feels like.
Perhaps I am spoiled but perhaps I am also suffering. I know only that I am asked to grow where I have formerly been given leave to idle, and I have been shown that there are more than four directions to each compass, and I am capable of walking almost any of them on my own.
He helps, when he knows I need it.
astera at 12:33 a.m.