April 7, 2001
Epiphany
Jesus Christ, where can I begin?
Last night was opening night for Grease. I wasn't nervous, I don't get nervous. I'm obscenely used to the stage. At any rate, we had to be back at the school three and a half hours before we had to go onstage. Ms. Pulskamp and Mrs. Strasser seem to have this delusion that it takes that long to do hair and make-up.
So of course I dawdled back stage, flirting with Ryan and watching the crew/band pull ridiculous stunts. Ryan and I were sitting on the couch in the back, talking and kissing. And I can't explain why I was sudddenly overwhelmed by the sick feeling, like something about our relationship was all wrong. And I didn't want to tell him, because I torture him with my personal problems enough as it is. But he could tell something was wrong. And he begged me to tell him, claiming that was what he was here for. So I tried to explain, and I can barely spit out the words, and then I feel tears welling up in my eyes but they won't come because there is still that rough little part of me that refuses to cry in front of him. And he tells me not to worry, that he doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable about anything that we do or don't do (because sometimes even making-out with him makes me feel guilty). He says he has never been more serious in his life, and he wants my actions to be motivated out of love and not obligation. I ask him if he loves me. And he says "Of course I do. Of course I do." And then he says this must be his fault, because I told him once that there are some things I just need to hear out loud. And then I have to go, I have to go and get make-up and hair before the directors have coronarys. But he won't let me leave. He holds onto my hand and keeps asking me if I'm allright, telling me not to go if I'm not allright.
But I lie and say I am. And I go. And I think how I absolutely do not deserve Ryan. At all. How he treats me like I'm some angel and I'm just some awkward girl, trying all to hell to ruin this beautiful thing I was so lucky to find in him. And he's careful around me for the next hour or so, just studying me and saying only what needs to be said. I know he's thinking. And I know I'll probably never hear what it is inside his head.
And then at seven o'clock we gather for thought circle. I'm sitting next to Ryan and Mal, and the cast is doing our tradition of going around the circle and saying something sentimental and/or ridiculous. And I say something easily forgettable, and then Ryan stands up next to me and claims, to all his "fellow seniors", that this is the beginning of the end, that next friday this will just be a memory. Then he sits down. And I look over at him and he is crying. I flip out. I just put my arm around him and press my temple against his and freak out internally and think that he is the boy, he's not supposed to cry, and what does he expect me to do? is he upset with me? is he just upset?
Thought circle is over. I'm dying inside. I don't deserve him or his tears, I've found everything I've always been looking for and I do so much shit to fuck it up. I follow him backstage when we all start to leak back there. We have about five minutes before we go on. I ask him if he is okay. And he says yes, and he wraps his arms around me and I'm all desperate in his arms, and he tells me "it's allright." And then he walks away, getting ready to work. And he's walking away, and I just start to shake, and I burst into tears but he's already gone. And I'm bawling and the rest of the cast gathers around me, comforting me, but I'm not crying for those reasons they think I am and I just need Ryan but I can't go get him, I can't, but I do. I run over there, tears streaming down my cheeks. When I get to the other side of the stage he is surrounded by his crew and I call his name, and he comes, and I just throw myself into his arms and say "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." And he asks for what, and I can't explain, I just love him so much and I'm sorry. He lifts my chin and looks into my eyes, his hands cupping my face. He tells me "it's allright" again. And he just smiles, and I realize that how could I ever doubt that he loved me? I kiss his fingers.
And I've cried in front of him. I've cried for him.
astera at too early