April 16, 2001
As Fate would have it...
I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. Right now, at this moment, there is nothing more I want to do than crawl into Ryan's lap and cry. And then I want to sleep there...for the rest of the week.
My life hurts. That is it, plainly. I pain myself, my parents pain me. Ryan came to Easter dinner with us yesterday and I thought hey, mom and dad like him! He's making them laugh! They're being not only civil but nice!
...of course, that fragile dream was shattered by my mother's proclamation tonight that I will not be seeing Ryan three times a week over the summer. I just agreed with her, crawling back into my room with my metaphorical tail between my legs. That's not a battle I need to fight. Yet. It's April. She says if I don't like it I can move out.
What if I did? What if Ryan is the only person right now who has even the slightest consideration for Jillian? My parents certainly don't, despite what they say. Why are they doing this? They care only for those pieces of my happiness that they will benefit from. Fuck what I'll thank them for later. If making a huge mistake and storming out of my house mid-June means I'll be able to rest in Ryan's arms, then that is a stupid mistake I am willing to make. How daring have I been in my life? When have I ever stood up for Jill? When has she not bowed under the will of another? Sure, I am strong. But I am also the weakest person I know. I will sacrifice my own happiness for them. I love my parents. But I love Ryan, too. And he has patience with me where they do not. And he reassures me where they do not. Shouldn't they do this? Why have I been abandoned when I most need to be accepted? God, I don't want to move out. How I pray that they do not drive me to it.
astera at after hell/heaven, I don't