May 31, 2001
The Longest Day and a Half Part Three
Before you read this, make sure you read Parts One and Two as well.
Now we're caught up. Mom was furious with me this morning. I get up at 8 and the first thing she says to me is to call Ryan and have him come get me, she's not doing anything for me anymore.
What proceeds is hellish. She refuses to let me shower, screaming at me, not allowing me to defend myself, claiming that I'm like all the other Cleves whores, all Ryan wants is sex, she's sure he's had it before, I'm ruining my life, I never listen to her, I'm just like her when she was young, I'm stupid, she's going to throw me out, I'm super virgin, I think I'm perfect, she hates Ryan, she doesn't like me, there is no end. She said everything she could to hurt me. And I remained silent.
I called Jenny about 8:30 and told her just to come get me. Mom screamed at the phone when I was on it, expecting me to have called Ryan. She continued to scream until a moment or so before Jenny got there, going into her room and slamming the door. I walked out without saying goodbye.
So I'm bawling still. Jenny just kind of looks at me, not knowing what to say. I eventually told her what happened. We go to the school. I don't go sit with Ryan, I'm not in the mood to explain all of this to him. He just looks at me, eyes wide. I tell him I'll explain later.
So I'm at the end of my rope. I'm either going to be kicked out or I'll move out, with no good reason for either. I don't want to leave, though it's so easy to say that. But I know I can't live like this. The only way they'll be happy with me is if I break up with Ryan. And I'm not going to do that. He is worried that I'll move out or something for him, then hate him for it later. It's not even about him. It's about my parent's (especially my mom's) manipulation of my trust in them to get me to do what they want. To control me. To design for me a future that I don't need their help in designing. I won't live like this. I don't want to leave, not at all, but it is insane to do this to me everyday. Their fears are not going to dictate my life. I know myself. I know Ryan. But above all, I know what I want. They can twist reality all they want to satisfy their need for failure, I won't fail. If only to prove them wrong.
astera at yet in limbo