June 22, 2001
Blast It
So camp is over. I have been soaked (while wearing white), painted, renamed, hung on (my back, primarily), and sang until I was hoarse (currently a little scratchy). But it was great.
I fought with Mom this morning. Crazy angry shit. I yelled at her. Finally.
But I don't know what to believe. It's so hard to be young. So hard to be human. My libran scales are topsy-turvy, shouting, "Bitch, get a grip!"
Yeah, on what?
Who is lying to me? Am I lying to me? I love Ryan, but do I trust him? Do I trust myself? I love Mom, but do I trust her? Everyone's motives are conflicting and influencing what they tell me, and I don't know what I'm doing beyond what I initially thought was safe to do but Mom tells me it's not and my friends tell me it is and he tells me not to worry.
What do I tell me?
Ryan comes home tomorrow. And damn, I am going to feel awkward with him. I don't know what I want to do. Damn't. Damn't Damn't Damn't. Someone help me help myself. What does the average teenage girl do in this situation? Scratch that. What does the abnormal teenage girl do in this situation? Is this even a situation???
* * * * *
Later today...
Mom said that I'm eighteen, that she has to let me make my own mistakes whether she likes it or not. All of this with a sane, rational, resigned look about her. Never expected that.
Sabrina the Teenage Witch is hysterical. Milo is so cute. Sabrina needs to ditch Harvey and hook up with him. I usually don't watch retarded t.v. shows geared at dense, unsuspecting adolescent girls but this one snared me. At least for tonight.
Commercials are so stupid. Like tampon commercials. They make them sound so exciting. Like, "I needed a pad, but Kimmi only had a tampon. She said, 'Like, how can you wear a pad? They're, like, a diaper or something.' Well, then I said, 'Gee, Kimmi, it couldn't have anything to do with the fact that my level of intelligence is the same as that of the average diaper wearer.'"
And all those skin care product commercials/make-up commercials. Giggling, nineteen year old girls entirely too excited about facial wash. Hell, they wash together.
astera at the end