September 16, 2001
With or Without You
Why is the road home always shorter? Why, before you know it or can even fathom it, you are pulling into your driveway and letting go and admitting the end?
Why am I not strong enough for the moment when I must release his hand?
I wonder if these tears are vain. I wonder, do I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest because I truly love him and neither time nor this damned distance can alter that? Or do I cry because it is what I do, because I am the girl and the desperation and my character is composed of eighty-percent melodrama?
The red lights that usually stop us turned green. The gate to Golf View Park, where I have so many memories in his arms, which is rarely closed, is shut and locked. He is singing along with the radio, with U2, "And I can live... with or without you..."
It is only I who cannot live without him.
astera at 1:45 a.m.