October 01, 2001
The Fucking End
There is no way to feel better. Nothing short of having him next to me.
And it seems now that he will never come home. And he could care less or he never would have done this.
I got a call from Ryan's mom today. He called her yesterday for about ten minutes, explaining his lack of correspondence (they, apparently, get very little time to write letters) and he asked her to tell me not to worry.
As if.
He also told her about the job he is pretty sure he is going to take. SERE or something, basically a guy who is trained to train pilots and other air force guys about surviving should they be stranded or something like that. A teacher.
Hmm, sound like a pretty moblile position, doesn't it?
And guess what is even greater grander news? If he does decide on this job, he gets to go to Seattle, Washington for six months!
Wow, Ryan, I am just so fucking happy for you!
Did it ever occur to you that maybe I am not willing to sit here and fucking pine for you while you proceed on in an oblivious state concerning me or the fact that I cry every nearly night for you?
Probably fucking not.
Has he thought of me at all? How could he have possibly done so? If he had, he wouldn't have picked the one fucking job that would send him bouncing from air force base to air force base for the six years that he will be in, and likely will be longer as I'm just sure he'll like it.
I'm bitter and pissed about this. I don't understand what I've done in my life to have deserved to fall in love with him, who thinks so little of me it is outrageous. I don't expect him to structure his life around me but Christ, it's not as though I just decided arbitrarily to go to college in Washington State. I knew I would miss him too much.
But he apparently does not miss me.
Fuck him. I can't do this. I won't do this. I can't I can't I can't. I'm not going to sit and cry every night while he goes on without me. He doesn't want me.
And I sit here and think about how he's going to miss my birthday, our one year anniversary, our everything. My autumn. My winter. How he's going to miss my life.
And I would wait for him. I would wait for that fucking inconsiderate bastard who ever dared to lie to me and say he loved me. He can't love me. He never has.
I can't do this. I can't I can't I can't.
astera at night