October 2, 2001
My Heart is 4 Empty Rooms
So I feel like writing again. I could go to sleep, but that would mean having to get up again tomorrow and think about all the things I'm thinking now.
And kids, it's just not worth it.
Who would have thought I would ever be forced to consider giving him up? I talked to Mal today, and she said something that suprised me. She does that every once in awhile. She said that even if I do decide that I can't do this, I can't wait and suffer for him for years, it's not as though if I really love him that will change. I could have other relationships that will be nothing in comparison, fun, but not this. And it's a good point. Because in the end if we love eachother, regardless as to what comes between, we'll be together.
It's just the thought of being away from him.
Legitimately away from him.
Likely as not I won't make any real decision until after he comes home for his leave. I'm not going to decide to put him in the back of my mind for a few years before I've seen him again, before he's touched me again and I've gotten chills just from looking into his eyes.
He'll always be my best friend.
And I'm going to stop talking like it's over because I'm going to do everything within my fucking power to keep it from being so. I will not give him up without a fight. Fuck Fate. She can kiss my ass. That conniving bitch.
And Pessimism returns.
astera at 11:21 p.m.