November 2, 2001
Loser Graduate
Two entries in a day but I might as well fully exploit the muse.
Went to a party with my friends tonight. And my envy of them kept me from ever really joining them.
It was Emily's surprise party, and everyone was there. Sarah, Chrissy, J.R., Holy Spirit, Katie, Bill. All my wonderful fantastic junior friends.
And when I left after an hour I burst into tears.
I will never again have what they have. I can only hope that one day my life will be as good as what it was. I don't miss high school, not at all, in fact I cringe to enter Taylor; but I miss what I had in high school. My friends everyday, a comfortable routine, the prospect of my boyfriend waiting at my locker for me, the innocense that compelled me to believe my dreams could come true. Before I knew that my dreams could change.
I felt so out of place there. I alienated myself, watching them, remembering what I used to be with them, what I could never again be. I called Jenny and she came and got me, and I made some lame excuse about needing to go spend time with some other loser graduates. Except I'm the only loser graduate. Everybody else at least pretends to have a plan.
I was at work yesterday, wandering up and down the aisles and wondering what the point of my life is. 'Cause I sure as hell can't think of one. Right now, I wake up and go to work. And when I come home I have nothing waiting for me. Sometimes I get a letter. Most times I do not.
And then I get up and go back to work the next day.
And I miss him so much I feel like throwing up. And I know we won't have what we had. And I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
Pessimism pipes in.
astera at late