November 18, 2001
Crap
God, save me from myself.
I feel sick tonight after a hellish weekend that was not even over after last night's ordeal. I feel so sick and confused.
My puppy got hit by a car today. There were things I could have done to prevent it, but I have been assured that it wasn't my fault. This is the second puppy to have this happen to her. The third puppy to die in a year.
I don't want any more pets. I really really miss Meg. She was my favorite of the three because she was so mean and hyper and liked to vomit on my floor.
I'm sighing right now.
Aside from the horror that is the psychotic happenings on my street where the bastards drive 60 in a 35 and wantonly run over people's pets, I have also lost my mind.
I do not think my problem is with Ryan. I think my problem is with me. I do not understand myself anymore. I think I love what I had right now, not what I have. I do not think I have him. With the distance has come doubt, and numbness. I read Kari and think, I do not feel like that anymore. I do not wonder how I live without him. I wonder, am I living?
He is. I'm jealous of his ability to shelve this, to trust me, to be assured that I am here madly in love and coveting December. Of course I am doing just that. So why can't I believe that he is doing the same? Why do I have to be such an attention whore now that he is gone? Why can't I shut off the voice in my head that claims he is fine about this because he does not love me as I love him?
Why is there a voice asking if I even love him anymore?
I don't know what to think about that voice. Because I don't trust her either.
It's not like we know what we want. We're both morons.
His being away doesn't make it easier to love him.I know I still do, but I really feel as though something inside me has turned itself off. I can't think about this now.
In a month, I can only hope that he can turn it back on.
astera at 9:59 p.m.