January 12, 2002
Feeble Tonight
If I could keep the sighs from my throat I wonder where the sadness would go.
Ryan called me tonight and he thinks he will get his assignment tomorrow or Monday. I told him that if it was going to make me cry to say it really nicely.
I'm not even giving him a chance to tell me. I already feel like crying.
What happened to hope? Didn't I used to be an optimist?
I wish I could pray, though I would not really want that which I asked for. The hands of fate have cupped themselves around Ryan and I, and I am afraid to ask for anything. Not that I expect God to listen, or even feel I deserve divine attention.
He will, it seems to me, either get Georgia or Germany. Our feeble hopes of Dayton and a mere hour apart are simply that: feeble.
I have had a good day. I was in brilliant spirits for a Saturday alone at home. But now I am crushed over a grief that has yet even to be concieved.
And of course I'm late as well.
astera at 9:25 p.m.