January 15, 2002
Lucky Twelve
What am I supposed to do? I'm asking all of you, any of you, who read this pathetic journal wherein I worry and celebrate and pine and bitch.
My mother feels the need, on a semi-regular basis, to harass me about Ryan. She claims she has accepted the fact that I am waiting for him. BUt she really hasn't. Now it is telling me repeatedly how stupid I am being, how he is down in Texas fucking every girl that breathes, that I am robbing myself of my youth, that I should be out there experiencing life, that if I only have one boy in all my life I will regret it later, that if I ever think about having sex with Ryan I should have him tested first because he could be lying to me.
She just doesn't care. She says he could have gone to a thousand places on Earth, to any exotic base, but instead he chose to pick a bunch of mundane east coast bases so he could be closer to me. She says it with such disgust.
She tells me I should just go ahead and move in with him and have sex that way I can make sure this is what I really want. Nevermind the fact that I told her that pregnancy scares me more than a violent death. Nevermind that that is the only reason we haven't done it already.
She says she gets angry because I just assume that Ryan is telling me the truth. So I should just assume that he is lying? And what would I do then? Go out and date the boys that are knocking down my door? If they are all the same anyway, why not hang on to the one I like? If they all, in the end, are just going to fuck me over for some random whore, what is the point of having them in my life at all?
This is what she tells me. Is it supposed to make sense?
She does not realize that I wonder if I am making a mistake everyday. She does not realize that I listen to him talk about going out on the weekend with his friends and wonder if he is hanging all over other girls. She does not realize that I want him here, not only because I miss him but because I want to watch him. I realize it is within his capability to fuck around on me, and that I trust him so much I would believe him if he said he hadn't. He has said it before. And I do believe him.
I think that in the whole of human history, minus maybe the last eighty years or so, there has been one person in your life. I am sure there were thousands of disatisfied marriages. I have no doubt of it. But simply because you are only with one person in your life does not mean you are destined for failure and unhappiness. Because she regrets getting married so young does not mean I will regret possibly marrying Ryan.
Why is everything I want so impossible? So ignorant? Tell me. So the fuck what if I'm being dumb. What else am I going to do? It seems totally illogical to me to distrust a person who seems to adore me and has never before lied to me and break up with him to sit at home and continue to wish he was here. Isn't it possible that I could also regret that decision?
Does she not care that I am totally fucking wired paranoid because I am twelve days late? Fucking twelve. And I'm a virgin. And it's not that I could be pregnant, it's that I'll worry that I am. This happens every month. Later and later each time. And my body loves to fuck with me as much as she does.
astera at morning