January 21, 2002
Hell
A thousand things come to my mind as my fingers grace the keys. But even if I don't mention them they won't go away.
So my mom asks me this morning if I've started yet. I say no. As of today the running count is nineteen days. We both heartily agree that there is no way I could be pregnant, so I call the girl doctor to see what can be done because we are both worried.
She says that they generally allow you to go for about three months without a period before they put you on medication. She says it is likely a hormonal thing. I tell her I'm a virgin, but I do have a boyfriend. I say I don't think I've done anything that could have gotten me pregnant, and she seems to laugh this off and says it is highly unlikely that I could have gotten pregnant without having sex.
I tell Mom.
She inquiries a bit about the situation, tells me that there are ways to get pregnant without having sex. I know that. I tell her so.
Then I burst into tears.
Just the idea of it. Everyone says, and I say, that there is no possible way it could have happened. But the idea that I could be. Fucking. Terrifies. Me. Terrfies me to the point of hysteria and knotted stomach and suicidal thoughts.
And my mom says that if that turns out to be the case I will suffer the consequences. I will pay for my actions.
What were my actions? I haven't had sex for this very reason! And to get pregnant, to be one of those poor, luckless few who get pregnant without having sex, I would kill myself. I don't deserve it. I won't suffer for something I avoided.
So in a few weeks, if it still hasn't happened, I'm supposed to call the doctor. My mom says we're going to go get a home test, too.
What. The. Fuck.
What did I do? Why is this happening to me? Cheeriest thought of the day: I'm like as not pregnant, but with worrying about being so I'll never start and only prolong the speculation.
It isn't worth living if this is how it will be.
astera at 2:49 p.m.