April 7, 2002
Morning's Resolution
So I watched Emma and had a good cry. I suppose I feel better. I guess it is more like just feeling numb.
Not too happy about this whole daylight savings business, hear you me. I could be sleeping now, reveling in the fact that it would be but 9:54 a.m., but alas it is an hour past by the evil magic of the American government.
Does anyone ever wonder what time it really is? I want a sundial. And when I get one, I am going to live by it. Actually, and more importantly, sleep by it.
I just don't need this stress in my life. Maybe I will never understand what is wrong with me, maybe one day I will truly dilude myself into thinking it is the rest of the world. Today, I just don't care. Today I will go to work and keep my eyes riveted on business. I don't know what would be worse: him being there and me forcing myself to take control, or him not and me wishing he was.
It would be a sick comfort to know that he was at least present, even if I won't let myself look at him.
I suppose I will never understand myself. I know why I do the things I do, I know why I always feel the same upon the outcome. It is a harsh reality myself and my poor fellows live within. He told me that there is happiness beyond romantic attachment.
I know. I just always manage to form an attachment to get in the way of that happiness.
I just can't remember a time in my life when I wasn't pining. It's a part of me, a significant part of me. And one I don't like. It causes only trouble.
I've always blamed it on being a Libra. But it's just me. I hate how weak I am, how dependent I can become. It seems I am almost undeserving of someone real, because maybe I am not.
'All your insides fall to pieces, you just sit there wishing you could still make love...'
astera at morning after