April 23, 2002
Close Your Eyes
Listening to Alien Ant Farm's 'Attitude.' Very much dig this song.
I spent much of today cleaning as Kels was going to come over so we could record for the songwriting contest, but she had to go to work instead. So I made a pizza and popped Pretty in Pink into the VCR. I couldn't watch it, suddenly more exasperated than ever before about the ending.
How ridiculous is it to hope to fall in love, and to subsequently be fallen in love with? To even imagine that two people will be possessed of the same feelings for eachother at near to the same time is ridiculous. My entire life has been one rather large fruitless situation. Two people never fall in love with eachother... one likes the other and pursues in hopes that the other will end up favouring them.
I just want a quirky boy.
I have no right to hope. Perhaps the stupid-happiness I knew with Ryan is all I am allowed to have. If that is it, if that is love, I have been living a lie. And am not sure I ever want to love again.
I want to get some black and white film and take pictures of people. I am so inspired by this man. I need a new hobby. I need something, anything, to occupy me. I've been quite neglecting my epic novel, and I think not for lack of inspiration. I've just been a sloth. I go to work, I come home, I rummage through the kitchen for nourishment and proceed to consume whilst chatting with friends online. Everything just seems so empty. I can't get done what I should get done, what I have ample time to do.
This entire year has been a gargantuan waste of time. I am nineteen. I have done nothing. I have squandered an entire year of my youth.
What am I supposed to be doing?
I always know what I want to do. I just manage to never actually do it.
astera at 5:58 p.m.