May 29, 2002
The Long and Short of It
I'm sure Kelsi will write about out total jack-ass situation with Phoebe the Schizophrenic Car. I will say only that there is no charity left in the world, and to inform all you drivers out there that honking at cars stalled at an intersection does not make them suddenly able to go.
So, fuck off, you west side fucks.
I think I've come to a decision. It involves me, the rest of the world, and a short story I am currently penning.
I say that I like myself. And I truly do. My only problem is that I tend to not be myself because of my fears, or my inhibitions, or because I am intimidated by others around me. I know who I am. I just generally don't allow too many other people to share in that knowledge.
I want Chris. I can't explain my attraction, nor do I think I want to as that might spoil it. It isn't fair to myself to automatically assume that he wouldn't want anything to do with me. So maybe I am sunshine and light. Maybe I'm not. I can't just assume that I'm unappealing, because as far as anybody else is concerned, he isn't my type.
But he is. And only Kelsi knows that, because she's really the only person who has paid enough attention, moreover the only one that I have allowed to pay attention at all.
I don't feel like I am young. I feel like I am a hundred years old, what with this meager life I am living and my mature pursuits. I need to change some things. I'm not sure what. But I vow to at least trust myself a little bit more, and to give people as much room for unpredictabilty as I give myself.
I vow to allow other people to see that I am unpredictable. I want to surprise people.
Most of all, I want to be surprised.
astera at 7:19 p.m.