June 13, 2002
Yet Again Epiphany
Mindless blather aside.
I just realized I can't hold Ryan accountable for the way he treated me, or blame my underlying dating insecurities on my discoveries about the shallow nature of our relationship.
It wasn't really that Ryan didn't seek to know all of me. I was content with him knowing only a little bit, and led him to believe, in a blind, sub-conscious sort of way, that that was all there was to know. I didn't want him in the big-scary-empty-poetic places of me, not really. I was afraid then, though I didn't know it. And I'm afraid now, and fully aware. And it's not that I think that someone else will take me for granted, it's that I'll allow them to do it. That I will sacrifice truth for happiness, and honesty for convenience. I want painful-love, discovery-love. I'm hesitant. I only want it if it's worth it, if there is a boy worth being shown.
If I'll be brave enough to show him when the time comes.
And I don't know that I will ever feel like that, and certainly not now or anytime soon. I do not know me when it comes to relationships. I'm unpredictable. I don't like what I do, I don't think I could stop myself from being shy. From showing only one face.
And I'm doing it again. Ian is seeing what Ryan never saw, but Ryan saw what Ian has yet to see. Will he? Do I even want him to?
I don't think I do. I think I like being safe and shallow right now. I'm not ready. I want someone who will dig, who will make me share myself. I can't open all my doors. Sometimes I don't even hold the keys.
I think that is why I don't like people I know reading my diary. I don't want them to know. This is a place of all faces, and when I say that I'm more interesting or different in here or on paper, I'm not lying. Here, I am known. Out there, I am not. I am glimpsed, and pondered briefly, and quickly forgotten. I have yet to encounter a real life equivalent.
I'm scared. It all comes down to being scared shitless.
astera at 11:21 a.m.