June 13, 2002
Lunchbox
Am listening to John Mayer's 'Room for Squares.' Love it. To pieces.
I also bought Norah Jones' 'Come Away with Me.' Am delighted to note that it, too, is fantabulous.
I shouldn't have been buying records. But I did. Bah to financial problems.
And, apparently, I cannot apply for the Citibank loan without a cosigner because I have to gross 1,500 a month to do so. Gee. How quaint. I can't say I know fucking one undergraduate student that can pull that shit off.
This whole thing is a disaster.
At any rate, I am praying sweetly for fruit to bear itself after the review of my Special Circumstances form, and if that falls through, I can at least call about getting a bank loan or return to my begging for a cosigner. And now, seeing as the amount I am going to need has changed from 10,000 to 2,000, that should at least be a little easier.
Did you know that Zack from Saved by the Bell was supposedly of Native American descent? Well, you would've known that had you seen the Running Zack episode, but a point to bring up even if you have not.
How the hell is this possible when Zack had blonde hair, pale skin, and blue eyes?
Funny how this never occured to me as a child. Suppose I was too concerned about the crop circles in my yard.
Am reading The Things they Carried by Tim O'Brien. It is excellent beyond words. We recieved a free copy at orientation, and it has been the only book I've read lately that I haven't been able to put down. I thought I wouldn't care for it (Vietnam-war-stories-groan), but his writing style is just gorgeous and compelling. It comes highly recommended by me to you.
I am eating Wildberry Blue Trix yogurt. My mom buys me little kid food.
Ian and I are going to Coney Island this Saturday. It's odd... I honestly don't know if I will have fun. I just don't know Ian very well. And, as of yet, our "dates" have consisted of intellectual pursuits and conversations over coffee. This is an amusement park. It'll be odd. I am anxious to see him having fun. And not grown-up fun, which is, in itself, a great sort of thing, but kid-fun. Because that is what roller coasters and ferris wheels and wave pools are.
Pool. Yes. I said it. We had been idly speaking of whether or not we would engage in a swim, and I continue to be unsure. I am never comfortable in my bathing suit, no matter how long I have known someone or who they are.
Example: Ryan didn't see me in my bathing suit until roughly six/seven months after we had started dating, and even then I spent most of the time wrapped up in a towel.
This is quite strange considering... but we aren't going to go into that because I'd like to forget most of it anyway.
I digress. It will be exceedingly uncomfortable to be in my bathing suit around him. The more I think about it the less I think I will, despite my desire to get some use of my splendidly priced dollar suit. It's cute. But I'm a sweater and long pants girl. I like clothes. Alot. Especially when they cover everything but my hands. I'm even all about hoods. On everything.
Don't ask. I honestly can't explain it. My modesty is outlandish.
I won't go swimming. I just don't think I could do it.
To further clarify. Ian is a good friend. I like him, but not in a binding sort of way. It's like, this is occupying and lovely now, and I like it now. I'm not interested in anything serious, nor is anything possible considering out different schedules once my life starts again. And I like it this way. I'm delighted that I have found someone so cool. I can't explain. I sound shallow and ironic.
Aside from these double-feelings for Ian there is also the secret and scary paranoia I have of committment. Nobody seems worth it. Not to sacrifice Jill again. No.
But you didn't hear that from me.
Rivers Cuomo wants to rap. I'm going to pretend I didn't read that.
astera at 10:38 a.m.