June 25, 2002
Sad Sad Psychotic Me
Have nothing worthwhile to recount, and yet have irrepressible desire to update, if only to let all of you know that I still draw breath despite my several days absence from my diary.
You're all thinking, 'Okay....?'
At Kelsi's house, and awake early due to the fact that we will soon be venturing to the Museum Center downtown. I'll probably take pictures, just because that is what I do.
Were you at Three Rivers Swim Club yesterday afternoon, you might have heard shrieking and splashing, and it would not have been from the usual crowd of seven and eight year old children. It would have been me and Kelsi and thirteen-ish Beth and Anna. And it would have been vulgar.
For instance.
"I'm Queen Amidala, bitch, get off me!"
...courtesy of my both filthy and bizarre tongue.
I am conflicted. Yesterday was supposed to be an evening out with Ian, to see Gosford Park, but when Kelsi called me almost upon my arrival home from work, I could not help but agree to come along with her. I wanted fun fun, like, giggling, mad, laughter, goofy fun. My time spent with Ian is enjoyable, but it's just not the same.
Does that make any sense?
On top of all of this Ian claims he is crazy about me, and I am muddling somewhere about feeling pleasantly inconclusive about him. I like him. He's awesome. He's everything I always say I want in a significant other.
But he doesn't make my heart pound.
Or my stomach flutter.
Or my arms hot to reach round him.
Kelsi claims that 'a whole should be more than the sum of its parts', and I sadly agree. So why must I break someone's heart merely because I can't want what I want? It isn't fair to pretend that I like him romantically. I long desperately to do so, all of my actions are propelled by a desire to see in him what I have uncovered in various others. He's supposed to be perfect.
Why no chemistry?
And the most horrible thing about the whole affair is that I have drawn out those heart pounding feelings in him, whether wittingly or unwittingly. That is the true horror, that is why I am at war with myself right now. It isn't fair. I should adore him as he seems to do me.
But I can't.
And I hate myself for it.
I am spared from total misery only by the fact that he will soon be leaving, and shortly thereafter so will I. I can only hope that he falls truly madly in love with a gorgeous, intelligent British girl who will treat him with fairness and adoration. She'd be perfect for him. Not me.
Not stupid, jack-ass me.
You could say this was just another ploy of my psychotic mind to make a good thing go bad. You could say I am allowing my fear of being in a relationship dictate my behaviors. But I will say this. There is the same wrong in pretending to like someone for the right reasons as there is in actually liking someone for the wrong ones. I can't lie to him, or myself. I was decieved with Ryan, and while this may be much nobler deciet, it is deception all the same.
Excuse me while I sigh my brains out. Once those are gone, maybe I can get a decent night's sleep.
astera at 9:41 a.m.