December 15, 2002
Anything Goes
Tonight, I put ten dollars worth of gas into my truck. I also drove it most of the way back home from work, and stalled four times at the same damn stop sign.
That's okay, though, 'cause I love it, and, believe it or not, cannot tell when I am speeding. Hence, fear of driving and/or killing myself is mostly gone. I'm bigger than everyone else now. There won't be any running over me.
Tonight I ate several delicious red strawberries, a piece of medium rare prime rib, and a nice hot roll. I love snagging things off the line, even though I am probably going to be atrociously fat from doing so.
I don't have anything to do for the next four days. Is that not the most beautiful thing you have ever heard? Yes, I knew it was.
I think that instead of having a sort of game phrase on the inside of my frappechino cap, they should have a fortune. And it should say, Be responsible, but in moderation. That would be nice. That would be comforting.
I'll know in about two days if it's the truth.
How much responsibility can one girl handle?
There were too many babies in the buffet tonight. Too much talk of babies. I had strange maternal pangs, however fleeting. I can see myself holding a little one, dark hair, big eyes, probably his nose. Years from now, years from now...
Will he stay with me? I was tired and emotional last night with thinking about him working fifty plus hours next quarter, and I started to cry, however softly. Mike put his arms around me.
"Don't cry. I don't like it when you cry."
I sighed and told him that I knew.
I can't help it. I don't know if I'm important enough for him to make time for... and I told him that. He clutched my hand.
He can never read this. He'd leave me if he did.
I'm not like his ex-girlfriend. I'm not going to pressure him into anything. I don't want to get married anytime soon either. But I don't think it is any secret that when I get married, I want it to be him.
When I teach English, I want to do it as Mrs. Kuhlmann.
He'd leave me if he did. It's a sad thing that I know that.
What else? I think that my life wouldn't be entirely ruined forever if I got pregnant. Then my heart aches because his would be.
This is all so sick and dependent and inevitable.
astera at 11:24 p.m.