May 6, 2001
Post-Prom Babble
Prom was something more for me than what it was for everyone else. I've always been a dreamer. When I was little I was never just Jill, most times I was not Jill at all. I would be emersed in fantasies for weeks. I'm still a dreamer. That is one of the few things about me that I think will never change. I'm always pretending. I am everyone and anyone. But Friday night I did not have to pretend. Pathetically, girlishly, conceitedly, I was a princess.
Ryan and I clean up nice. I looked like a medieval princess with flowers in my hair and elbow length burgundy gloves, and he looked so handsome in his tuxedo. The surreality I remembered from last year returned, augmented by the magical presence of Ryan on my arm. We danced. And not just turning-in-circles-swaying-back-and-forth. Even when the hideous up-beat music (R&B, vomit) came on, he would wrap his arms about my waist and spun me and shit. It was like a dream. And the way he holds me... even when we're just turning in circles... it was quite possibly the most romantic evening of my life thus far. He even told me he loved me without being prompted by my saying it first.
After-Prom was super cool. Ryan, Scott, Lindle, Lacy, Skank, and I played laser tag, and the girl's team (which I was obviously on) got our asses kicked. It was still awesome. Ryan also beat me at air hockey, but then we went and watched the mega Friends marathon in the auditorium.
Predictably, it got late and I got tired, I started thinking that Ryan and I will never dance again and if my parents get their way I'll never SEE him again in a few months and the finality of it terrified me and I just don't know what I want and I didn't realize I cared about him as much as I do. And I just got suddenly and totally depressed.
We went to the assembly for door prizes at 4:30, and Ryan just kind of thought I was tired as I was not crying, only not speaking. I ended up sitting on the floor at his feet, and I buried my head in my hands. Then I started crying. He slid down next to me. And he didn't notice until I looked up and groped for his arm. I don't think he knew what to do, he put his arm around me and wiped the mascara that was streaming down my cheeks off, saying generic cheery phrases in an effort to get me to smile. He tells me he loves me. I cry harder.
I dried up a little and went to change my clothes. Jenny followed me up and asked me what was wrong, and then I just burst into tears. I could barely talk. She told me today that I totally freaked her out. She's never seen me cry like that before. I told her I'd call her tomorrow... it was time to go home... what was I going to say to Ryan? How could I ever feel better when confronted with this constant finitity of my life as I know it?
We drove home. And Justin got out of the car and I took a purposely long time to get my stuff out of the car. Ryan just looked at me, a soft, adoring little smile on his face. He told me to go to sleep and cheer up. I told him I couldn't. Then he asked if I'd at least tell him what my unhappiness was about. He asked if he should worry. "Why would you need to worry?" I asked. He looks at me with big eyes. "You're not going to break up with me or anything, are you?" At this point I began to bawl, kissing him quickly and telling him to call me when he got up. I ran up to the house.
I always manage to do this. My paranoia always manages to overshadow a beautiful evening. It was still great, made better after the resolution of a phone call at one o'clock that afternoon. I'll have to talk about that later.
So prom is over. It was like a night snatched from dreams (pardon the cliche), both in my own way and the way it's supposed to be.
...wanna see a picture?
astera at frustration's hour