June16, 2001
Who I Am
Feeling perky and nostalgic. Feeling rested despite the six day vacation with only the company of my family and little more than eight hours of sleep a night (that vacation kept me also from this blessed release). Feeling... reassured. Talked to Kels about the ordeal with parents/Ryan/my own search for self, and feel better. Only I can define who I am. Only I can make the decisions for what is right or un-right in my life.
For those of you who don't know the story... no, wait, I only have two readers. Me and Kelsi. And though so-be-it was gracious enough to put me on her favorites list, I don't think she ever reads my diary. So I guess we do all know the story. All two of us.
Feeling expectant. I have the girl scout day camp this week, starting monday from nine to three, and then work until eight, so I should be more than exhausted. And occupied, too, so I have not the chance to pine for Ryan as he is in Daytona on vacation this week. Probably won't write much, due to exhaustion.
Feel very much like Bridget Jones as I write this, such a terse style. v.g.
Read that book if you haven't. And while you're at it, read My Life on a Plate, The Wayfarer Redemption, and Son of the Shadows. But not that last without reading the first of its kind, Daughter of the Forest. Damn good fantasy. I wish I could live in one.
I used to have this whole theory that I would know I was truly happy and have everything I could desire if I could wake up in the morning and not wish it to be on some alien terrain, or some faerie haunted castle, or some enchanted wood or dragon's lair or egyptian desert... kind of childish for a girl who is entering college this autumn? I think so, too. I don't know, but I still think I would give it all up, Ryan, my hoped-for-glamorous future, my parents and friends who love me... yes, I would still give it all up if I could somehow be inside some mystery like that. I'll never stop believing in magic. I just don't believe it exists here.
Damn Cincinnati, Ohio.
Wow. I've really let some true colors show today. And if I didn't only have two readers (possibly three), I'd be worried. But Kels already knows I'm crazy. She's crazy, too.
See, Kels, I guess I really haven't changed like I'm afraid I have. I still want what I can never have. I still dream.
Still not dreams on the same plane as my parents. Still irrational.
Still beautiful.
astera at been a while