July 5, 2001
Farewells
Nothing is like it used to be. Now I realize that more has changed than just what I was.
I will never confide in my mother like I used to. She will never trust me again, and I won't be able to say that she should. She will ask too much of me from now on, and I will never again believe it is for my own good. I realize now that she is a person, and, like any person, she will see things from a selfish angle. She will see me as an extension of herself instead of an individual. And, in ten years or so when I have a daughter, I will be the same way. We do not make the same obvious mistakes as our parents, but we make mistakes for the same reasons they did.
My parents don't get along anymore. I don't know why. My house practically drips of hatred, everybody always frustrated with everybody else. We fight. All the time. Mom and Dad don't understand eachother. Nor do they empathize with eachother. They want pieces of eachother, instead of the whole person. They seek to complete themselves by stealing parts of the other. They don't realize that if they would just give a little, they would both recieve.
Mom competes with me anymore. I have conceded to her, let her win, let her feel lordly and superior, and still it is not enough. It is as though she wants to consume me, to keep me to herself again like she did when I was younger. Now that I have my own endeavors, now that I don't need her for everything, she can't stand it. I can never be twelve again. And it's killing her.
I am on the verge of the rest of my life. But it is so painful to watch this decay of the old.
astera at dusk