August 12, 2001
Recovery my White Ass
This will be a vain attempt to find the long lost Jill. The jolly, joke-telling Jill. The Jill who frolicked in spring time and lent her voice to the sweet call of the birds...
Ok, that was all bullshit. I'm just tired of being upset. So I'm basically going to pretend I'm not. Now I call that a plan.
Mal told me I should rage "Buddy Rich" style on Ryan.
Whatever the hell that is I'm too exhausted to do it.
He is, apparently, some drummer or other. Some crazy drummer, to elaborate.
A) I do not play the drums.
2) Aforementioned exhaustion.
So I will continue with my current plan of laying around my house and eating popcicles.
But I do that when I'm happy, too, so it's not really a battle-mode type of behavior.
It all goes back to me being lazy beyond words.
I watched Batman and Robin yesterday. Ever since O, Brother Where art Thou I've been obsessed with George Clooney. So I sat through two hours of a comic book come to life. Complete with pathetic attempts at acting on the part of Alicia Silverstone and Arnold however-you-spell-my-weird-ass-Austrian-last-name as Dr. Freeze. That's actually the best role I've ever seen him in.
No, seriously. I'm not kidding.
I talked to Ryan today. Come on, you knew I was going to get around to mentioning him sooner or later. Sorry.
Anyway, I've kind of figured out what's wrong. It's not that I don't believe in his innocense. I really don't think he has anything to do with him. I know he didn't do anything in Indiana. What scares me is that he could, and that because I trust him so much he could get away with it. How easy would it be? It is my faith in him that scares me. I shouldn't have that much faith in an 18-year-old boy. It's as though after this, even though he didn't do anything, I can't look at him the same. The idea that he could had polluted his character. I love him, but that cloud will hang.
This is what he has to fix. Not my crying or my anger or my doubt... he must fix the way my thoughts have changed. He has to bring this Ryan back.
I don't know him anymore. I don't know who I know.
astera at not telling