August 26, 2001
Cry Baby
God, will I ever stop crying?
I talked to Ryan on the phone and made desperate attempts to behave like a normal human and not talk about sad, inevitable things.
But my mind is fat full of sad, inevitable things. All of my hours are shadowed by what is coming, my time with him is tainted by our impending seperation. Things just won't be the same. And I'm so naive. I don't want to lose him. And yet how can I think Fate would allow me to have both of my dreams, both college and my love?
It isn't possible.
And I've already chosen.
I can't imagine living without him. It just seems impossible. And I want a normal college experience, friends and parties on the weekends, rigorous but wonderful classes, freedom and a light heart. But why should my college be normal when nothing else about me has ever been? I want him, but not this way. I don't want him to have to drive three hours to come and see me on the weekend. I don't want to have a seperate circle of friends from him. I want to be with him as I have been.
But that can't happen. The question now is does this mean enough to me for it to be miserable and awkward and desperate for four years. Maybe more.
But I already know the answer to that question. I've had a considerable amount of things easy in my life. This will be the first real pain I've ever felt. The first time I've had to live through something.
Things will be different. I am powerless to change that.
I'm going to go cry some more. Sorry I'm not funny anymore. This whole leaving-one's-soul-behind thing has kind of got me down.
astera at evening