October 7, 2001
Shit on a Stick
My eyes are filled with tears.
Do you ever feel trapped? Just look around you and watch horrors unfold that you can not in the least control, watch your own life spin out of your sphere of persuasion, watch everything you've ever known and loved turned to shit.
What is the point? Honestly. If everything you are ever given in life is going to be taken away, why have it? If I had never loved I would not have to feel the way I do now. My life would have progressed as I had planned it, instead of tumbling into this bottomless pit of worthless emotion.
And it is worthless. Because I do not look about me, think of him, and have the slightest bit of optimistic thought. I know that what I had is gone, and that I will never have it again. That he lied to me when he said he'd come home because he's never coming home. A week, two weeks a year is not coming home. That's finding a new home. Away. Away from me.
And I hate myself everyday for crying. And I hate him for being what he was. For being who I needed. Who I need. And I hate being alone. And I hate walking to the mailbox everyday and being disappointed. I hate the fact that he has been gone three weeks and has not written. I hate the feeling that he does not exist, that he is only in my memory. I hate thinking that I am always going to feel this way. I hate wanting to feel this way if it means keeping him.
And I say that I want sedatives, that I want none of this to have ever been if it means being able to function without a fake smile on my face now, but I don't mean it. Ryan was wonderful for me.
It just so happens that he's killing me now.
astera at desolate