October 8, 2001
Nobody knows the Trouble I See
Day 23 and letterless yet.
The only thing that makes me feel better today, seeing as it is Columbus day and the mail isn't running, is the fact that the new Incubus video debued on MTV and Brandon isn't wearing a shirt.
My new favorite word is 'argh.' It is an expression of anger and frustration and yet can be conveyed with a straight face and a monotonous voice, which is all my current state of exhaustion will allow.
And Kari is the sweetest person alive for extending a hand of compassion to a fellow grieving girl. I cannot thank her enough.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be nineteen. And I think that I have been on the planet that long, and have done what?
Complained a significant amount. Written a few songs. Fallen in love. But what have I done? Am I ever going to do anything? Maybe it's just now. But it is so hard to look at anything and not see bitterness when you've been miserable for a month. I don't even see the point in anything. I make jokes out of habit.
And I really wish Bryan from work would stop hitting on me. Seeing as a) I attack myself and say I don't see him that way just because of how he looks; and then 2) so what, I'm miserable and shallow, what if that is the case? c) I am so disgusted with myself about everything; and 4) Why can't he just come home?
I hate my life.
astera at naked (not really)