October 19, 2001
Half-Dead
After a week of working what seems like a million hours, I am contemplating suicide.
Well, not really, but I feel half-dead.
It doesn't help that my bastard period is more than a week late.
It doesn't help that I should never work in retail as I will soon snap, going on a killing rampage of supposedly innocent Cappel's customers.
It doesn't help that I cannot tell my parents about going to Ryan's graduation and the idea of telling them weighs heavily on my mind.
It doesn't help that his graduation is now one week later because he hurt his back and will not be able to finish his training on time.
It doesn't help that I am so busy with work and the impossible-to-end epic novel that I have no time for creative outlets to vent some of this excess stress.
It doesn't help that the Gecko on the Geiko commercials has a Gecko-sized towel and shower cap but has a person-sized phone.
I don't know what is up with that last one.
Life is a strange strange thing. I am learning that more than anything these days. I mean, I think about six months ago, when I felt everything was going in the right direction. Everything was structured and alright. It's weird now. Life really has no plans. The ones you make are transparent as glass, and easily as broken. What am I doing? How nuts is it that right now I have not seen my boyfriend for a month and a half, I have a full time job, I am contemplating changing my major when I return to college. What the hell are any of us doing? High School was a blissfull routine. I miss routine. I miss knowing what I was doing.
I hate flopping around in the dark, confused, vulnerable, and altogether unimportant and easily forgotten.
The pessimism is mounting, kids. I don't even know who I am anymore.
astera at 10:06 p.m.