May 11, 2002
Little Plastic Castle
I have an incredible knack for dropping things in the toilet. It's really quite frustrating.
Work last night was a nightmare. I swore up and down that it had to be a full moon, considering that most everyone who came in was half-retarded, but, in fact, it is nearly the new moon.
I love the phases of the moon. I would love to be Wiccan and cast spells according to the fullness of it, as most spells have appropriate times when they should be cast.
Busboy Justin at work thought I listened to Christian music. I scoffed and told him I wasn't even Christian, and then he gave me a super weird look and asked what I was.
I said nothing, because it's true.
I think the only way to have a certain 'style' about you is to have money. I can't have an entire wardrobe of artistic clothing. I just can't afford it. I end up, instead, just wearing a very limited selection of my existing wardrobe in order to achieve said style. It works, to a degree.
I need new pants, but if I spend any more money, I might have to kill myself.
I have this increasing desire to be held and no arms presenting themselves. I daydream and wish that going to school will be the answer to all of my problems, that I will suddenly be fulfilled and social and happy again, and the sick thing is I believe it. I'm sure I won't have a boyfriend, or even any dates, for that matter, but I will have things to do again, and interesting people to talk to.
And yet my fears grow with this loan business. I had Chris try to persuade me to join ROTC last night, as they pay for your school, but truly the thought of it makes me feel like I could throw up. Not only would I be in the military, I'd also be selling them four years of my life once I am out of school. ROTC is the very very very last alternative. I'd join before I'd not go to school, but at the very brutal end.
It shouldn't be like this. I just pray that all this difficulty turns out to have some sort of purpose.
Maybe my future will be bright.
Excuse me while I escape into current darkness.
astera at 12:39 p.m.