May 13, 2002
Blue Trees
Listening to Ani Difranco.
I am a bad person. Don't try to dissuade me from believing so.
I went Mother's Day Shopping with A.J. from work. And he asked me if I would go on a real date with him. And I can't. I don't want to. I'm not ready for that.
And he's so coarse. Girls, you know what I mean.
But I feel terrible, even though he told me that I can't help it, that I had to see if I would have fun with him or not and it's not my fault I didn't. I just feel like such a jerk, denying people when I know how horrible it feels.
I hate the way I look. I'm not gorgeous, but I know I'm not hideous either. It just seems like the smart boys don't want anything to do with me because I look like a dipsy cute girl, and the dumb boys are after me because they don't care either way. But I'm not a dipsy cute girl. I'm smart. I read. I watch movies. I write. I listen to music and daydream and hang out in my pajamas when everyone else would be out at a club. I don't want someone who drinks and thinks it's cool and isn't interested in school or books or obscure music.
I know boys like that exist. They just don't want anything to do with me.
I'm so exhausted.
But Kelsi is coming to fetch me and we are going to see Lord of the Rings for the fifth time and I will feel better when I have spent time with her and Legolas. We'll work on the tarot cards. We'll talk about the characters in our prospective books. We'll laugh.
There is nothing better in the world than a best friend. I don't know what I'd do without her.
How does she put up with me and my rampant shallow behavior?
My fingernails are getting long for the first time in my entire life. I've taken to scratching my face at night when I am asleep.
Why?
astera at 3:20 p.m.