October 23, 2002
Pink Triangle
I am amazed by my incredible knack for wasting time.
One of my favorite things to do is to go back and read my old entries. I just like seeing who I was, what I was thinking, and becoming generally re-acquainted with myself.
You know, I don't think I became the way I am until I stopped dating Ryan. Sure, I was still me, but alot of this wry intelligence followed the epiphany that was our breaking up.
I used to be so flowery with him, too. It scares me, how adamant and desperate I was. It sounds too similar to some of the things I say now. I needed Ryan, though, so I would know just how beautiful Mike is.
Is it wrong, however, just to wish that he had never existed? At least not within my personal sphere?
Yes, in a sad, sick way.
Speaking of sad, sick ways, I've decided that girlhood is God's inside joke. And, despite my obvious femininity, I still don't get it.
I had the best muffin this morning. It was cranberry and orange, with real squishy cranberries in it. I ate it in History class, accompanied by iced cafe mocha.
It was so fucking good. I'm getting another one tomorrow, you can bet your crazy white ass.
That means I'll actually have to get up, though, and walk out of my way to go to Bell Tower.
I won't do it. I'll just talk about doing it.
I have so much work to do, and yet I avoid it. I have a Spanish composition and a Political Science response paper due on Monday. As well as all of my Spanish labs for chapters 3 and 4 (of which I have completed only three exercises) and a history test over roughly seven chapters. All of this. On Monday.
It's a conspiracy. The teachers can say whatever they want, they're just trying to pull the wool over our eyes.
Wool. As in, like, a wooly mammoth. Did paleolithic man make sweaters out of the wooly mammoth? I mean, he wasn't a sheep, was he? No. Was he wooly, as in useful wooly? Or just fuzzy, as in completely useless fur?
I am possessed of a terrible power, you know. The ability to determine my own destiny. I toy with these ideas occasionally, as the mood takes me. I just think about both the big and little things I have taken upon myself, and the big and little things that developed from them. Are we destined to do things so that others may occur? I mean, had I never left O.U., never taken the job at Argosy, I most certainly would never have met Mike, the man I can legitimately see myself marrying. Were we supposed to be together? Had I decided to stay in Athens, would we still have somehow met? Or was I supposed to go and come back again, so that this could happen? How much control do I really have? I mean, are my impulsive actions really already grounded in some sort of pre-ordained fate? Can I avoid fucking up? Or succeeding?
Crazy, isn't it?
I feel like playing around some more. But must go to class, and then to uptown to buy Mike a birthday present. Who knows what. Am going to go to the record store, but will most certainly be fighting the impulse to buy myself CD's as well.
I mean, who is to say I don't need The Smashing Pumpkins 'Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness'?
Exactly.
Or, as he would say, genau.
astera at 3:09 p.m.