January 13, 2004
Spellbound
I'm trying my best, really, I am. I let myself listen to Norah Jones last night, just before bed. Come away with Me. Indeed, my love, come away, here, or, at the very least, let me come away, there.
I didn't cry, though there was something like tears sticking in the corners of my eyelids. Am I all dryed up? My vows have made a desert of my heart, this vow to self and self-service, sensibility.
I suppose I do not have it within my power to make my desires seem reasonable. I enjoy my space, I just want it to be his space, too. My comforter smelled like him from a visit, not because he, also, seeks rest underneath of it.
Can I blame it on the narrow bed?
He called to let me know he'd sent me a program that would enable me to download Windows Updates, babbled on for a half-hour or so about his affair with noodles at lunch, his sleepyness, his prospects for the week. Can it be only Tuesday?
This will not do.
I spent nearly every evening in his bed, never more than a day away from him for three weeks. Such luxury was not known, even, on summer vacation, we had not reached that place in our relationship, that comfort, that together-separate-ness. When I woke up before him I'd scratch his head, stroke his cheek. When he before me a moment would be stolen, bodies curved around eachother. He'd kiss me, wrap himself tightly around me moments before walking out of the door. Pajamas and winter coats when all we really wanted were sheets and skin.
It's the nights that get me, really. Velvet steals across the green outside of my window, I am curled in bed reading Heart of Darkness. Conrad falls away from me as the sun drops beneath the horizon, as the lamps outside leap to life. I look down at my legs, thinly clad, my arms, their equal. I know, just then, as I am bookmarking my page, that no amount of flannel can warm me tonight.
This will not do.
Only Tuesday, without the prospect of kisses, of sweetest comfort, before Friday evening. Can my budget and my sanity support my heart?
astera at 11:20 p.m.